The Alien and the Euphemism: A Science Fiction Fable

The population of the planet Primus lived in comfort and peace. There was no war, no disease, and they enjoyed a truly democratic government in which candidates ran on their beliefs and values, not some party dogma. Indeed, life on Primus was close to perfect. But its sun was dying. Primus had less than a century before the fiery fusion of its quite ordinary star would consume the last of its hydrogen and begin its death spiral, taking all life on Primus with it.

And so, the search was on for a new home. As carbon-based, oxygen-breathers dependent on water for existence, the ideal choice of a planet would be, well, Earth-like. And so, the Primus Science Foundation set about identifying planets to which Primus’s population could be relocated. Seven candidate worlds were selected, our Earth being one of them. Of the seven, only Earth had a dominant sentient species, and this raised major ethical concerns. Primian and human cultures could never co-exist, and thus, annihilation would have to precede colonization. Primus’s benevolent technologies could easily be tasked to selectively eliminate this single species, with all other life, along with human infrastructure, preserved.

Seven advance scouts were selected to visit all seven candidate planets. They would all report their findings and recommendations to the Science Foundation. Maada was the most experienced explorer and had the first pick of destinations. “He” [for lack of a better word, as Primians had no gender] chose Earth. Maada had opposed Earth’s consideration as a candidate for relocation, for he believed all life was sacred. He had studied earth and knew of a bit of its history and many cultures. Few believed his report from Earth would recommend colonization, given that genocide was its necessary precursor.

To observe earth, he would be burdened with transforming his outward appearance. Through a combination of physical manipulation and telepathy, he would appear quite human to all he encountered. An undetectable energy field would protect Maada’s true form from any harm. His destination was Washington, DC, home to the government of the free democracy of the United States of America. Maada had chosen this location, believing that the ideals and beliefs manifest there would support his predisposition toward colonizing a more primitive world, sparing the human population the rollover of his advanced civilization.

His arrival was uneventful and undetected. He appeared as an unassuming male human, wearing kaki’s and a blue blazer. He walked the mall, passed the Washington Monument, and simply observed. He avoided direct interactions. Finally, he climbed the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. He had studied this man, and if he embodied the culture of this society, surely this species was destined for greatness. He read the words on the walls and felt their “humanity”. He turned and descended the stairs.

As he crossed the street, a human female approached. “Sir, are you pro-choice?” she inquired.

Reflecting on the many choices had he been given, including the choice of the assignment that brought him to Earth, “YES!” Maada replied. The woman handed him a flat round object with a pointed prong on the back. Its outermost surface read “Proudly Pro-Choice.” He accepted the item, observing that the human female had used the sharp pins on twelve identical objects to pierce her outer garment and secure these inscribed disks to her person. He pocketed the button and continued onward, thanking the woman for her gift.

As he continued, a man approached him. “Excuse me sir, are you pro-life?” he inquired.

Reflecting on the goals of his mission, which was nothing short of preserving life from his home planet, and considering his own personal respect for all life, “YES,” he answered.

The human male handed Maada a similar object, this one read “Pro-Life and Proud of It!” Maada accepted the button, thanked the man, and placed it in his pocket, were it clinked against the button he had accepted minutes before.

His first day’s observations complete, Maada recorded them and reposed in his secure outpost for the evening.

The next day, as Maada prepared himself for day-two, he adorned himself with the two buttons, declaring himself to be Pro-Choice and Pro-Life to all onlookers.

Today, he would permit himself casual interactions with the population. He noticed many humans began there day with a dark liquid infused with organic extracts; he lined up at a local STARBUCKS, and when his turn came, carefully mimicked a prior order, “One grande skinny latte, please.” As the Barista handed him his drink, she observed his lapels.

“Heh – funny.” She shrugged. Maada thought this odd and paid for his drink with his Primian synthesized currency.
He turned around to exit. A short woman glanced at his buttons. “What are you some kind of comedian? Do you think that’s funny? Who are you to mock my right to do what I want with my body?”

Now, quite perplexed, Maada exited in haste. The woman burst out the door behind him. “Go fuck yourself, loser!” Maada quickened his pace and proceeded toward the mall.

Growing fatigued, he sat on a bench. A man approached - the same man who had handed him the second button the day before. He observed Maada’s lapels.

“What the fuck is your problem? How can you mock life like that, scumbag?”

Maada sped away, nearing the Lincoln Memorial, the man following behind continuing his tirade; others joined in. “You’re going to Hell! Shithead!” He screamed. A follower threw a rock, striking Maada hard in the back of his pseudohead. It did him no harm.

The woman festooned with Pro-Choice buttons took notice. Observing the mixed signals on Maada’s garments, hatred swelled inside her. “Fucking Asshole!” She joined the crowd chasing Maada toward the reflecting pool. Her comrades joined in.

A police officer from the opposite direction saw the crowd herding Maada toward him and assumed him to be a criminal. He drew his pistol.

“Stop, hands in the air!” Maada knew not what to do. He ran toward the policeman, who fired in “self- defense,” discharging his pistol into Maada’s chest. The impact of the bullets knocked Maada backward and he flopped into the reflecting pool. The crowd caught up. Maada, stood up, confused but unharmed. The crowd hushed for a moment.

The pro-life man tackled Maada. Right behind, the pro-choice woman lunged at him and tried to rip her button from Maada’s chest. The mob formed giant scrum, kicking and punching and piling on Maada, who had no idea what he had done to incur such wrath. The policeman came forward, imploring the crowd to part. He peeled off the assailants, one by one, but the man who had caused all the commotion, who should have been bleeding-out from the chest, was nowhere to be found. Two buttons remained on the ground:

“Proudly Pro-Choice”

- and -

“Pro-Life and Proud of It!”

So for these few minutes, these two dissonant factions were united in a common cause, against a common enemy, who could see nothing contradictory in favoring both life and choice.

Maada, having hit his “Auto-Evac Button,” had been teleported safely back to his outpost, along with all of his Primian belongings, leaving only the two round objects of earthly origin behind.

To the surprise of the Science Foundation, Maada’s short report recommended earth’s colonization. “Its violent and irrational population is a menace to the galaxy; it’s eradication would be a service to intelligent species.”

Of course, the Science Foundation had six other planets to consider, and Maada’s was but one of many voices. The deliberations continued.